When Bitterness Became My Compass

My spiritual awakening didn’t begin with love and light. It began the day when I stopped pretending that everything was perfect and allowed my shadow side to walk with me as one of my spiritual companions.

I wanted to know what it felt like to truly be me, without the family conditioning.

So, I said goodbye to my rose colored lenses, everything is perfect, spiritual bypassing self, and began to see all the sneaky, energetic threads left behind in relationships, including all the threads that connected back to me.

These energetic threads connected me and others in my life to bitterness and a thousand other unconscious programs.

I wanted to unravel everything and anything that limited my personal and spiritual sovereignty.

So, I dove down the rabbit hole.

I began exploring my relationship with bitterness; I could see so clearly that bitterness and perfectionism shared a connection. One had created the other and I was ready to break this cycle.

I was in the thrill of transformation and awakening, it was exciting and incredibly liberating!

I popped my inner tube that floated me down that long, beautiful, and historic river in Africa, called The Denial, oops I mean the Nile.

As one childhood program after another illuminated itself, I gained insight and embodied wisdom. Slowly I began to disrupt the genetic patterns that had shaped my life. I could feel the rise of my intuition and the unveiling of spiritual contracts.

The unleashing of my intuitive nature was elevating and I was ready, so that I could also help others with their spiritual rise.

But boy, my attachment to perfectionism was deep, intense, and I felt the fear that drove me to hold onto it.

I could hear my thoughts, one trigger at a time:

This is why you are accepted.

This is how you feel a sense of belonging.

This is how you stay safe.

This is how you earn love

(yikes).

The cost…self betrayal!

And, self betrayal would become one of the threads of my journey with bitterness!

In all my wonderful and blunderous attempts (and even in my handful of successes) at being perfect, I was denying my true nature -my divine blueprint. The blueprint of who I said I would be when I agreed to this lifetime.

Over time, all the subtle ways I wasn’t being myself left little cuts. Those cuts eventually became wounds of self betrayal, and bitterness quietly cemented into my journey.

Here’s the thing that might surprise you…I am so grateful, but I will get to that later.

I had this moment, in the forest, on one of my runs, where I hit that beautiful meditative state. I was conversing with my guides and traversing my inner work.

On this particular run I was focused on clearing belief programs like scarcity and lack because my financial resources always seemed to be drained. I was navigating a divorce, raising my two kiddos and at the early stages of walking my path as a teacher and energy healer.

I was in the throws of a rebuilding cycle.

Those cycles used to terrify me.

Now, I actually love these cycles.

As I followed all the treads of beliefs that limited my abundance, all these random thoughts popped in my mind.

“So and so should take one of my classes”.

“So and so, should have a session”.

Then a clear intuitive download came in :

Those people aren’t your provider, The Divine is your provider

It was one of those — knowing downloads — where you just know, without a doubt, that the intuitive drop down is 100% true.

But, this didn’t stop my fear response.

I could feel on a deep cellular level I was afraid to release the scarcity and lack of programs.

This fascinated me so I dove even deeper into my inner work and that is when I discovered something totally unexpected.

My fear of releasing scarcity was connected to another shadow: greed.

And this is where everything changed for me and my approach to shadow work!

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Sending love and light. Rochelle Kindell Stanley